Sadie's Stories - a time of discoveries

This is a difficult post for me to write and also an important one. There are sometimes confusing moments in our parenting journey. We wonder how we got where we are. We have to face hard truths. And when we do, we discover rare beauties that we were missing.

As you will remember from a previous post, I purposed to take the time to read stories to Sadie all by herself for school. We have been enjoying our reading time tremendously.  So far we have read:

• The Poky Little Puppy
• Scuffy the Tugboat
• Little Bear
• Frog and Toad Together
• The Tawny Scrawny Lion
• The Animals of Farmer Jones

Most of these stories can be found in A Treasury of Little Golden Books.

Our reading time has done a very important thing for Sadie. She has been brought to the forefront of my life. Previously, she was child #4, with many mannerisms and habits I didn't understand, sometimes lost in the shuffle. I love her so much, but I'll admit that sometimes she was a source of frustration as well. She screamed over the tiniest things, used animal noises instead of words, and flung her arms around in a very odd way. As a mother, something didn't seem right to me. But I was unable to put my finger on anything specific. She didn't even crawl until about a year old, and at 4, even I couldn't understand everything she was saying. I couldn't understand the grunts and moans either.

YHVH has been gently tugging me for the last few weeks, about the time that we have been reading stories together. He has been encouraging me to do some research, to find out if maybe there is something I need to know about Sadie. He led me to a very unexpected place, but the more I read the more it seemed to fit. It looked like perhaps Sadie was struggling with asperger's syndrome or PDD. When I found out that my cousin had been diagnosed with PDD many years before, the pieces started coming together. We discovered that his treatment involving a special school among other things, had left him frustrated and ill equipped for life. The "professionals" can offer no cure, no medication.

After prayer, we feel the best help we can give Sadie is not a diagnosis, but a strong supportive family that will meet her where she is, whether she "officially" has asperger's or not. At the very least, we have a framework with which to understand her. When she crawls up in my lap and starts barking at me, I try to encourage her to use words to tell me what she needs. I try to give her a little extra love when she starts grunting and flailing her arms in frustration. We try to show a little more patience when she screams about the things that seem little to us. We have also begun a journey to change our diet. (Thank you Lusi, for the link.)

Suddenly, that time of reading and cuddling with Sadie has become a lifeline for us both. She gets so excited to point out farmer Jones in the picture. She tells me how the poky little puppy is going to dig under the fence again! We laugh together and snuggle and for a few moments, there is peace and calm and safety for her. We pray that with purposeful loving parenting, her days will be easier and she will learn to tell us all the amazing things that are going on in her head.

"Your child was made just right. Your child is beautiful. Your child does
not have defects and “problems.” Look at your child as being fearfully and
wonderfully made. Why am I saying this? Because sometimes we get
frustrated with our children. Sometimes we ask ourselves, “What is wrong
with them?” We need a fresh perspective. We need to be reminded that
YHVH made our child just right. Yes, they need work and training, but look
into their eyes and see what YHVH sees. Look at what they can become.
They are a diamond in the rough. Show them that they are just as valuable
as a diamond to you."

 

from The Children's Ketubbah Project

Our daughter is beautiful and wonderful, an excellent dancer. She loves to trace and color, and play with her little toy animals. She has a great smile and loves to help me with little jobs around the house. YHVH made her just right. She just needs a bit of extra help along the way.

An encouraging word

Sometimes we just don't feel like ourselves. We are tired, frustrated, dissatisfied, and perhaps just a tad bit cranky. We feel as if we will never be that person that gets things done, reads to their children every day, shows patience when the heat lamp for the chicks gets mysteriously unplugged, and manages to keep a neat and orderly home. We find ourselves surrounded by chaos, barely treading water only to remember that we can't swim. We don't know what to do, but we know we can't go on like this. We feel guilty for yelling which seems to only induce more yelling. So you might have guessed that I have felt a little like this lately. I have prayed and asked for help, and I was led to a blog I had never seen before, and clicked a link to one of their posts in the sidebar. It spoke to my soul and I want to follow the advice given. I am anxious to see YHVH work and help me out of this slump I found myself in. Please read this post if you ever find yourself feeling a bit off. There is great wisdom in the words shared.
HsKubes Haven at Home: In times of discouragement

An incredible day

I would love to do another post on previous birth experiences, so you would completely understand how incredible this birth was. But I like to keep my blog a relatively positive place, so I'll keep it brief. I have had many false alarms, lasting days at a time, 2 c-sections, 3 transfers to the hospital, pushing lasting 3-4 hours, and the list goes on. But this time it was different.

We prayed long and hard about this delivery. We talked about my previous hangups and uncanny ability to stop labor. I printed verses and hung them on the wall by the tub. I talked to Noah and asked him to help me know what to do during labor to help him get out. I searched my heart and repented and forgave so I would be a clean vessel.

One day, I was visualizing pushing Noah out and putting him up on my belly. (I don't remember any of my other babies being put on my belly.) YHVH asked me, "Is that what you want?" "Yes, it is," I answered. "Then that is my gift to you." He showed me that all those hard births and rocky roads were needed to make me what I am. I used to be the ninety pound weakling, as my dad teases me. I was weak in many other areas, too. But Israel overcomes, and I needed to be molded into what He wants.

So as I got near to D-day, as it were, I had an incredible sense of peace. YHVH had personally given me a promise, and I thanked Him for it. I knew that everything would be okay. I had specifically asked to know when to call. I wanted to know it was real labor. On Monday, I started having contractions, but they were too sporadic, so I waited. I felt like Mary, who pondered in her heart. I kept things to myself prayerfully, thankful for YHVH's confirmations and answers. On Tuesday, I went to my midwife appointment. I am so thankful for her. I was able to share with her my fears and frustrations. She knew my fear of false alarms. She understood my desire to call the shots and not be told how to handle everything.

Wednesday, the contractions returned around dinnertime. This time I was really wondering. Doug went to work as usual, and we had complete peace about that decision. By seven, I decided to start writing down times between contractions. The kids and I watched a movie together and they asked to camp out in the living room. By ten, while talking to Doug on the phone, I knew it was time to call. My dear mother was ready to come, but I told her to go ahead and get some sleep. I would call when I needed her. My midwife started out, with a long drive ahead of her. I started collecting last minute things like the camera to take upstairs where the big tub is. By this time I was leaning against the wall, praying through each contraction. "Help me to work with my body and not get in the way. Help me to be strong." I felt YHVH's presence each time. At 11:30, I did not want to be alone any longer, so Mom came and helped me get in the tub. What a relief that was! I listened to hebrew lullabies and read the verses I had posted on the wall. (More on those later.) YHVH's promises were surrounding me. I truly felt like I was under the shadow of His wings.

I think Noah truly was helping me, because I strongly felt the need to keep moving around, to truly work with each contraction. I refused to let myself cry, but got very good at moaning. I leaned against the wall, crawled on my hands and knees, lied down on the mattress on the floor. Sometimes I felt like a flopping fish, trying to find the right position. My midwife soon arrived and her approach was amazing. She was often in the other room, but knew exactly what was going on. She timed my contractions by my moans, checked the water temperature, offered me water, but gave me full freedom to do what I needed to do. It was so empowering to be able to listen to YHVH, listen to Noah, listen to my body, and do what I needed to do. I didn't have to work around cords hooked to me, or a hospital gown, or being told to get back in bed. My mom never left my side, but she simply was there. Her presence was very comforting. I remember one particularly strong contraction. I said, "Mom, look at me." She helped me calm down and breathe through the contraction.

The first time my midwife, Laurie, checked me, I was a little nervous. How many times in the past had I been checked and checked, and the numbers never changed. I prayed, "Please let it be at least 4." I was seven! I asked her where he was in regard to the pelvic bone. +1 station! He was already settling in! YHVH is sooo good! I was progressing! I continued my routine of bouncing around like a fish out of water for some time more. It was getting very intense. I was thankful for the little 10-15 minute breaks when I could doze off.

At about 7 am, I found myself very desperate. I felt I could not go on. I asked mom to call Doug, but she couldn't get a hold of him. It was then that Laurie checked me again. "It's time to push!" At this point everything was so painful that I couldn't get off the mattress, so I started pushing right there. My poor Mom wasn't ready for me to start grabbing her legs, her knees, her hands, but she was wonderful. Laurie could feel his head, and let me feel it. I had never felt that before. It was an incredible feeling. My sister soon arrived, and scooted in behind me to hold me up. She would tell me that I was doing good and I could believe her! In the past, I would be told I was doing good, but I just wanted to smack them. How could I be doing good if I had been at it for three hours?

They let me keep touching his head, it was poking out now! "Push through the hurt!" "You're almost done!" And then that terrible moment of the ring of fire, the widest point of his head! I screamed, "Get him out! Get him out!" And then, in a few more pushes, he was out and on my belly. I looked down at my beautiful, pink little boy, and sobbed tears of joy! It was the most wonderful moment! Twenty minutes later, Doug walked in and saw Noah on my belly. All he could do was kiss me and tell me he loved me. He was so happy.

The placenta was a little slow in coming, but Laurie was right on top of it, and handled everything so calmly. Soon everything was cleaned up, and Noah was attempting nursing for the first time.

I tried a few different things this time, and they worked very well.
First, I had only women with me. I love my men (Dad and Doug) but having them elsewhere and just praying for me really worked. Just having women really helped me relax and do whatever I needed to do.
My children stayed at home, and YHVH gave me the night delivery I had prayed for. It was so wonderful to have them come in and meet their brother.
I planned a water birth. He wasn't actually born in the water, but the water was so helpful during labor. Maybe next time, lol.
Having so few people put me in the driver's seat. I had to be strong and brave. I had to do what needed to be done. I had to depend on YHVH for strength. He was faithful to give it.
I surrounded myself with YHVH's promises, and He kept them all. Psalm 20 was particularly helpful.

YHVH does answer you in the day of distress! The Name of the Elohim of Jacob set you on high!
He does send you help from the set-apart place, And does uphold you from Tsiyon!
He does remember all your offerings, And does accept your burnt offering! Selah.
He does give you according to your heart, And fills all your plans!
We sing of Your deliverance, And in the Name of our Elohim we set up a banner! YHVH does fill all your requests!
Now I know that YHVH shall save His Anointed; He answers him from His set-apart heavens With the saving might of His right hand.
Some trust in chariots, and some in horses, But we remember the Name of YHVH our Elohim.
They, they have bowed down and fallen; But we have risen and are established.
Save, YHVH! Let the Sovereign answer us in the day we call. 

If you are expecting a baby, I would recommend printing these verses off and posting them where you will see them during labor. But laminate them! Mine curled all up from the humidity in the bathroom.

 

YHVH is so good to His children, and gives far above anything they ask or think. He answered my prayers down to the tiniest details. I know He is there for me, no matter what comes down the pike.

So here's another picture of Noah Ephraim, which means:

Rest, be comforted, and be fruitful.

Sadie is telling him a story about Noah and the ark.

As I wait

I am up early this morning. It is getting harder to sleep comfortably, well harder to even move in the bed lol. I find myself in an unexpected position. I am anxious to meet Noah, and wonder often, was that a contraction? But I feel enveloped with great peace that he will come at precisely the right moment. I pray that I will know for certain that I am in real labor. (No more false alarms, please! I have a bad history of that.) I pray that those helping me will not be inconvenienced. I pray that the birth will be peaceful and all present will be at ease and trusting YHVH. And somehow, this time, I know He has heard my prayers. I know He takes care of His own. I thank Him ahead of time for the amazing time that it will be. Will it be today? He knows. Noah knows. But they aren't telling me yet lol.

I came across this birth story this morning. (Thank you, Lusi, for linking to this site.) She put into words my hopes and dreams for my sixth baby also. I hope you are blessed by it. No matter what circumstances come our way, we should have this perspective.

 It is the first story, "Why I chose faith, a homebirth story."

Shabbat Shalom!

Trying to have a thankful heart

Lambing season can be very rough sometimes.  All the cute little baby animals are so adorable. But sometimes it is hard. It is hard when you hold a baby in your arms and realize that all you did to help them just wasn't enough. You rub and rub, hoping to see some spark of life, but there isn't one. You cry out in despair. Why couldn't we save this one? If only I had been a little quicker. I don't understand.

But I must conclude that there is still a God in heaven. He loves me. Does His heart break every time one of his lambs is lost? Perhaps to truly understand life, we must sometimes experience death. And in the midst of our agony, we must choose to still praise, to still thank.

So, with tears streaming down my face, I praise YHVH.
He has given me so much. I have a wonderful family that is all safe, sleeping peacefully in their beds. My husband loves me no matter what, even when I'm not very loveable. I have eight healthy baby animals out in the barn. It is Shabbat, and I am free to keep it.

The pain doesn't vanish, but I am comforted to know that I am safe in the hands of my Heavenly Father. His lap is big, and He never tires of drying my tears. I know He will comfort you whenever you have a heavy burden.

When will Yahshua return?

Have any of the seals been opened?  Are we the last generation?  When will Yahshua return?  Where are we in end time prophecy?

I will anwer these questions with a question.

Can you tell me when Noah Ephraim will be born?  What time of day will labor start?  How long will the early contractions last?  What will transition be like?  How long will I be pushing?  What will his apgar score be?  Can you put it all in a chart so I can plan?

In Revelation we see the image of birth.
(Rev 12:2)  And she being with child cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered.










The earth has been groaning as in labor, and is waiting to give birth to the kingdom.  Does this come without pain?  Does this come when least expected?  Surely we cannot expect to bring forth a child without difficulty.  We cannot know the day or hour when our baby will arrive.  Some contractions make us think we are in labor when we are not.  But eventually the time comes.  Eventually we take on the most difficult work of our lives, and are rewarded with a beautiful baby.

(Isa 66:9)  Shall I bring to the birth, and not cause to bring forth? saith the LORD: shall I cause to bring forth, and shut the womb? saith thy God.

The same goes for the coming of Yahshua.  We are simply told to keep oil in our lamps. 

(Psa 119:105)  NUN. Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

We must have Scripture in our hearts, and our trust in YHVH.  Our house can burn down, and our food be all destroyed, but even then we need not despair.  We have YHVH, and that is all we need.

So keep oil in your lamp, and I have my birth kit ready.

Shabbat Shalom.

Psalm 37:7 Hebrew word study

“Be still before YHVH and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!”


Damam - Be still - This word, when taken back to ancient Hebrew, is almost disturbing. The concept of flowing blood and the color red are closely connected to this word. Why? Because when an animal’s red blood is shed, it becomes still and silent. I immediately think of the concept of dying to self.

Khool - Wait patiently - Okay, this word really threw me. When you go back to the ancient Hebrew, the idea of waiting patiently doesn’t exist. Rather you find first the idea of drilling a hole, then piercing, then pain and sickness, then twisting and dancing (like the drill.) Then it occurred to me that we might be experiencing pain, sickness, an unsettled, whirling spirit. At that moment we are to wait.

Kha rah - Fret - This word means to burn, even to the point of anger.

Tsalach - Prosper - This word means to move forward or advance.

Ra a - Evil - to remove the function or purpose of an object or person.

Now, here’s this verse in my own words. It may look a bit different.

When your whole world is out of sorts, and your head is spinning, you must wait. When you feel pain, emotional or physical, you must wait. You must be still as a dead animal. You can bring nothing of yourself to the table. Your opinions, solutions, fears, questions, must all be left behind. You will find yourself a whirling contradiction, full of emotion, yet empty of yourself. This is where YHVH will meet you. This is where He will bring His solution. You will be tempted to burn with anger at those around you. They always seem to have a solution. Everything seems to go their way. But they have used their own ideas, and followed their own way of doing things. In the process, they have trampled on the very design YHVH put into them and the people and things around them. Deep down, they are a broken bowl that cannot be used. But you, you have given up your own ideas. Now YHVH can use you for the purpose He intended. He can fix your hurts and pains in the most perfect and beautiful way. He is your designer and He knows best.

Healing, Part 6

I feel like Job in chapter 42.  I am humbled before an Almighty Elohim who controls the weather and creates mighty beasts that no one can tame.  He is not to be questioned and not to be told what He will do.  I am not worthy of His attention or His favor.  Many others suffer great pain, financial loss, death.  I face none of these things.  I am truly blessed with health, prosperity, and freedom to obey my Creator.  I fall on shaking knees not daring to ask for a thing for me.

But then I look up and see my Savior.  He is suffering great pain, disease, humiliation and death.  He has all power in the universe yet He is brought this low.  And then He catches my eye.  He looks directly into my soul and says, "I do this for you, so that by my stripes you can be healed."

To be given another day is more than I deserve.  To be given eternal life is sufficient.  To have Him care about my little "problems" that mean nothing in the scheme of things is love beyond compare.

YHVH, my Father, you have given me everything.  You have healed my heart broken by sin.  You have healed my life that could have been utterly destroyed if not for You.  It is sufficient.  If you choose to heal more, I can only offer up a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving, which is truly no sacrifice at all, but the least I can do.  So for all that you have healed on me beyond man's explanation, I am truly grateful.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Of chickens and fear

So my children are all talking about getting to go in and help me pay for chicken feed at the feed store.

My three year old pipes up with, “I not go chickens. Chickens kill me.” Everyone laughed at her cuteness, including her.

But the real truth is that she is terrified of chickens. If she even hears a rooster across the yard, it will send her screaming. We tried to look at the positive, so we took it as an opportunity to teach her older brother to protect his sisters. He now bravely chases off the chickens waving a big stick, and then escorts his sister to safety. Not bad for a five year old.

But fear is a very real obstacle for all of us. We adults call it concern or trepidation, but it’s still fear! We fear for our children’s health and safety. We fear not having enough money to take care of our families. We fear the future. We fear being rejected. We fear not living up to someone else’s expectations. Need I go on?

The Scriptures tell us plenty about fear. First of all, it’s clearly referred to as a sin.

But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. (Rev 21:8)

Being fearful is listed right up there with murderers. We are told over 300 times not to fear. But when the spies came back from searching out the promised land, they spoke in fear. They gave a bad report to the children of Israel. They believed what they saw instead of believing what YHVH had told them.

What did YHVH tell them? He told them it was a land flowing with milk and honey, a good land where they would be safe and live in peace. But they let fear decide what they would believe, and it cost them 40 years in the wilderness where anyone over the age of 20 died.

So let’s review. What did YHVH say to us? If you have trusted Yahshua and are trying to live in obedience to YHVH’s commands, than you are part of His covenant with Israel. So take some time now and read some of the promises made as part of the covenant.

Start with Genesis 15 and 17. Then jump ahead to Deuteronomy 28. YHVH promised us blessing heaped upon blessing. We need to obey the best we can, and confess our sins quickly when we fail. But He wants good for us, He wants us to have an abundant life. He wants to fulfill all of his promises to us.

Fear is going to get in the way, and it could very well bring on us the very things we fear. Remember, the spies did not believe they could take the land, and they didn’t. We need to get a hold of YHVH’s promises and actually believe that He intends to carry them out. Notice in Rev. 21:8 that unbelief is second in that list of sins. Start listing promises you find in scripture so that your spirit will be saturated with truth, and that spirit of fear will no longer have a home in your heart.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2Ti 1:7)

I have started doing this myself and here are a few verses I have come across.

Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings, (Psa 17:8)

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies. (Psa 18:2-3)

Now know I that the LORD saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand. Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God. (Psa 20:6-7)

Proverbs chapter 3 is also full of wonderful promises. They are literally everywhere when you start looking. So everybody, get out your Bibles, and please post any verses in the comments that help you trust YHVH and kick out that spirit of fear.

So, is my three year old feeling any better about chickens? Well, we have taught her to quote scripture while she’s in the pasture. She says, “Yahweh is my shepherd,” in her little three year old voice. But she has to have her chubby little hand in mine the whole time. And that’s okay. I like to hold my Abba’s hand, too.

Blessings and Shabbat Shalom to everyone.